By: Steven Moore, Director, Business Development
Dear GP Friends,
For those of you who missed this past IIR conference in Chicago, you missed quite the show! However, my favorite part was clearly the Government Pricing (GP) Jeopardy portion of the show. Not because CIS hosted it and I got to play Alex Trebec — oh wait, yes, that’s exactly why!
Here are some highlights for those who couldn’t make the trip — and others who might like to relive it:
- CIS’ marketing department had purchased me a gray wig and mustache in order for me to complete the ‘look’ of Alex Trebec. Remarkably enough, they were stolen from the CIS booth MOMENTS before the show (I blame the competition). I was frantic — digging under our table in hopes that my fake mop would appear. Distressed, I quickly turned to the bartender who was setting up next to our booth and loudly asked, “Sir, have you seen a wig and a mustache?” Much to my dismay, this gentleman was WEARING A WIG and had a MUSTACHE!!! His response, “You mean this one?” (Pointing to his head). True story, I sh*t you not! It was one of those key moments in life where you want to take the words back before they leave your mouth. Examples include:
- “My Janice, I had no idea you were pregnant!” (Clearly Janice is not pregnant.)
- “Sir.” (Clearly a Ma’am upon further review, unfortunately for you, named ‘Pat’.)
- “It’s a treadmill.” (After you give said gift to your wife for Christmas.)
- “Yes. This product basically treats every disease I’ve heard of.” (Pharma sales rep temporarily forgetting the PhRMA Code.”
- “What’s the worst that could happen?” (Just before the worst happens.)
- “I love you.” (Just before you hear “Thanks.”)
- “We’re definitely ready for an OIG audit.” (No need for filler.)
- Again, for those playing along at home, “Have you seen a wig and a mustache.”
- So, as any comedian would, I used my unfortunate blunder to my advantage and opened the show this way. No wonder why I got such terrible service during the cocktail hour…
- CIS’ Bill Baxter was my assistant and here is my loose translation to open the show:
- “My counterpart, mentor and hero will be playing our proverbial “Vanna White” (clearly not as attractive, but we’re on a budget since economic times are making things tight). Bill will serve as the scorekeeper and judge since I’m in sales and clearly know very little about the subject matter areas I sell.”
- CIS’ Bill Baxter proceeds to come out with a Nordstrom bag (one of the kinds that, well, women carry) and pulls out a beer for me and what appeared to be ‘water, ice and olives’ for him.
- I announce our contestants and, for privacy’s sake, I will keep their names anonymous. I will say that there were a couple of highlights:
- One contestant volunteered to be introduced as “Bill Baxter, Jr.” and, upon hearing his name (obviously chosen at random), he came running down the middle lane and yelled “Daddy” and gave our esteemed assistant a big hug.
- Rules time. Loosely, I say, “Okay, the rules are, well, the rules of Jeopardy. If you don’t know the rules of Jeopardy, you probably don’t even know what OBRA 90 is. (funny laugh and stop quickly). The key rule is that all answers must be in the form of a question. If not, Bill will hit you on the head with a tack-hammer a couple dozen times and your answer will be deemed incorrect.”
- For some reason, our buzzers did not make the trip so I had to come up with some alternative. I came up with, “CIS IS AWESOME” as the catch phrase that each contestant had to shout upon knowing the answer. The first of many shameless plugs. All of which I owned up to throughout the show… Each time someone shouted, “CIS is awesome”, I replied, “Yes. Yes it is.” Shameless sales guy.
- One contestant says, “I’ll take, ‘What is Healthcare Reform for $300?’”, I reply, “Um, you don’t have to phrase your requests in the form of a question.”
- Sub-bullet. I guess I don’t have to write that since this is, indeed, a sub-bullet: We won’t be getting any business from them either…
- So Bill hands me the amounts for Final Jeopardy so contestants wager and they are as follows (please note that dollar amounts were in increments of $100 from $100 to $300 and there were 9 questions total):
- Contestant 1: -$400
- Contestant 2: $1,900,000
- Contestant: Four squiggly lines and a smiley face.
- Clearly too much ‘water, ice and olives’ for Bill during the show.
- One contestant responds, “Who is E&Y” for their Final Jeopardy answer, which was obviously supposed to be another CIS shameless plug. He didn’t win.
- Our contestants get GP Jeopardy trophies and the winner gets a CIS “GP Geeks Kick ASP” Tee Shirt.
- Winner complains, “This shirt is wet.” Um, I took it off my back and it was, apparently, sweaty since I wore it over my button down shirt and sport jacket. Ewww…
- I have subsequently asked marketing if we can change our slogan to: “CIS, we’ll give you the sweaty shirt off our back.” To date, I have not gotten anywhere…
We do hope you enjoyed the show and GP Jeopardy and, for those who missed it or would like to relive it, check out the following two videos! If they don’t match up exactly to what I said above, relax, I took some creative license and tried to type what might have been funnier…
For Your Space,
Steven Moore (A.K.A. “Scooter-Trebec”)